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Thursday, June 22, 2006

7:44AM - Kevin Garofalo!

Hey Everyone!

My name is Holly. I'm here to put in a good word for my best friend, Kevin. He's recently started his own web blog. He's a stand-up comedian in Chapel Hill, NC. He's a really funny guy who has a great heart too!

I hope you'll check him out at his his site kevingarofalo.net.

Friday, September 12, 2003

9:26PM - Obituaries


Jedi Master, Actor

It's been over 20 years since Yoda faded away on May 25, 1983. He was loved by those who knew him well. He was a skillful Jedi master and, well up into his 800s, could triumph in lightsaber battle. We've been reunited with his memory recently through the benefits of computer generation, each detail exact, down to Yoda's voice which has always sounded suspiciously like Sesame Street's Grover. Yoda will always be known for his great wisdom, artful mentoring, and giving all people with bad grammar hope that they, too, can succeed. We will all remember his final words, after tucking himself into bed, "There is another Skywalker."

Rest well, dear Yoda. We will not forget you!

Friday, August 8, 2003

10:44AM - New Survivor!

Coming Soon on CBS: Survivor: California Governorship!

SACRAMENTO, Ca -- California State Secretary Kevin Shelley had just announced that his department will be working with Survivor producer Mark Burnett and the CBS network to conduct the statewide election for the governor recall. Withdrawing the previous format of a two-item ballot, Shelley declared that the new voting system will hopefully narrow down the choices for the people of California before the vote for their governor in October.

"In collaboration with Burnett, the mastermind behind the hit reality series, "Survivor", Shelley presented the new format that would pit the 16 candidates in various forms of competition that would test their abilities to "outwit, outplay and outlast" their rivals. The new format will be called "Survivor: California Governorship".

This format will be brutal and cutthroat," Shelley said during the press conference yesterday. "It would test which among these individuals would be fit enough to handle the conditions of our state."

Also announced yesterday was the line-up. Challengers in "S:CG" would be: current California Gov. Gray Davis; actor Arnold Schwarzeneggar; State Senator Tom McClintock; former child actor Gary Coleman; Green Party member Peter Camejo; Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt; Insurance Commissioner John Garamendi; socialite-turned-populist activist Arianna Huffington; former gubernatorial candidate Bill Simon Jr.; Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante; porn star Mary Carey; watermelon-smashing comedian Gallagher; billboard queen Angelyne; computer programmer Georgy Russell; and former police officer Michael Wozniak.

Challenges for these candidates will range to test their physical, intellectual and mental abilities for almost two months leading up to the October elections, where eligible California voters will decide who between the two finalists would be the Ultimate Survivor and therefore the new California governor. Physical tests will include racing across the Golden Gate Bridge, short-board surfing on the waves of San Diego and eating the notoriously large pancakes in Said Valley. Among the intellectual and mental challenges will be a trivia contest that would test the candidates' knowledge about the state, endurance test in Alcatraz, and a night out with Hollywood papparazzi.

"I think it's a great idea," said Jane Doe-Smith, a Bakerfield resident. "I have no clue who these other people are, and they could be geniuses or jerks for all I know. This show would give all of us Californians a clue as to who should preside over us." Susan Haagen-Daz from Oakland concurred. "I've always been a big fan of Arnold, but if he can't cut it through this mess, he ain't winning my vote."

Some of the candidates have protested this format, but has agreed to join. "I'm at a disadvantage here," claimed Coleman, whose rise to fame was fueled by the success of the show Different Strokes. "Just look at me, for cryin' out loud. Do you really think I have a chance at winning against the Terminator at physical tests?!?"

Mr. Schwarzeneggar was not available to respond or comment on Coleman's claims.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

12:49AM - Olsens For Governor

For Immediate Release, July 23, 2003
Contact: Robert Thorne, 213-555-0000, rthorne@olsenforgovs.com

“Mary-Kate and Ashley For Governor” – Twin Olsen Moguls Announce Bid For Governor

(Los Angeles, CA) “There is just, like, no one better.” With the impending finalization of California Governor Gray Davis’ recall, media moguls Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have announced today that they will join the pool of governor wannabes.

“We just feel that we can totally contribute far more than the other candidates,” said Mary-Kate, referring to the elite club that includes Terminator action star Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger, Congressman Darrell Issa (R-CA) and former LA mayor Richard Riordan. “For sure,” Ashley concurred. “I mean, we’re worth $40 million dollars each and climbing. Who else would be better qualified to pay off the deficit?”

When questioned as to how they will address the issue of their being too young to be co-governors, a first in American history, Mary Kate shrugged. “We’ve always, like, been young for people of our status. We’re teenage multimillionaires..duh. If we can afford one of those smaller states off before being legal enough to drink, then surely something like being a governor won’t be, like, a big deal.”

Ashley not only agreed with her sister, but she also flagged a bigger possibility when they succeed in this election. “Who knows? Maybe we’ll run for president, too.”

# # # END # # #

Saturday, July 19, 2003

12:22AM - Advertisement

You've Heard Of Hunting For Bambi... Now Here's...

Hunting For Thumper

The premise of the game is simple...

[1] We select a candidate from our pool of men who want to be hunted down by sexy women wielding paintball guns. The catch? He's got to be completely naked! Of course, he'll be alotted running shoes and safety goggles, if he chooses.

[2] Women are registered into groups of 20 - 50 per game. Each woman generously donates $20 to play.

[3] The start gun is fired and Thumper is off and running. This is a tense moment for Thumper. He knows that if he manages to not get shot, he walks away with a cash prize!

[4] Once Thumper is out of sight, the women put down their prop paintball guns and begin the fun.

The real test: How gullible is a man to believe that 20 - 50 women are going to trapse through the woods after a naked man?

Even Meridth Baxter-Bernie enjoys Hunting For Thumper

[5] When Thumper finally returns, he is awarded with his take-home money $400 - $1000 depending on the size of the group. Generous payment for our amusement.